Have you ever said that to someone? "I'll never leave you alone." Did you mean it? Did you keep your promise? God said he would never leave me alone, and he never lies. So where is he? It's not that I'm not looking hard enough. I see him at work making beauty in many other peoples lives, just not in mine. I kinda feel like the guinea pig. God tries stuff out on me and thinks "Well, that really isn't working so I won't do that for anyone else."
I'm not blaming God for my problems or anything. I'm just questioning and wondering and thinking. Tonight in our youth group we were talking about how we were made to glorify God and how all things glorify God and are for our good. Does that mean that my broken family brings glory to God? The fact that I'm a child born out of wedlock? My dad abandoning me? My dad being a better father to his girlfriends' kids then he ever was to me? I'm not happy. and right now, I don't know if I ever can be. I want to be meet a wonderful, godly man and get married and have kids one day. But looking at myself, who would want this? My life is so twisted and screwed up! I want so badly to get out of this town and start a new life, but I know it's not gonna help or change anything. It's impossible to run from reality. I don't know what to do. I should probably pray but right now, the last thing I want to do is talk to the person who gave me dad who doesn't give a shit about me unless his current girlfriend is gone. The worst part about this is that I am quite wary of people. especially guys that show interest in me. Because I'm so sure that they are just gonna treat me like my dad has treated me and his multiple girlfriends.
I think I'm just gonna buy out a bookstore and move into the mountains. I'll be a hobbit. or a hermit. what ever those mountain-cave-people are called. That way I'll be alone and I don't have to worry about anyone ever promising me things and then breaking those promises. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's quite pointless. I will go now and not come back until I can say something positive.
Hello. I'm getting my hair permed tomorrow. I'm somewhat excited somewhat nervous. I hope it works and actually makes my hair curly. I hope you have a fantastic night.